There’s a popular theory circulating amongst armchair psychologists that the rise in popularity of social media is actively contributing to a decline in civil discourse, the idea being that the safety of the keyboard empowers people to speak in a way that they might not otherwise in person. No less than the Michigan Supreme Court has taken notice of this trend, and has responded with an administrative order intended to curb the pattern of incivility insidiously seeping into legal communications. This renewed emphasis on civility mirrors the NBA’s increased scrutiny of traveling violations:¹ The rules remain unchanged, and their enforcement has now shifted from theoretical to imminent. Unfortunately, some won’t get the message.

As you might imagine, we at the Lawyers and Judges Assistance Program (LJAP) have experienced our fair share of boorish behavior. One function of LJAP is to work with lawyers facing some sort of disciplinary action against their license, and it shouldn’t surprise anyone that the Venn diagram of lawyers shows significant overlap between those who commit ethical violations and those who ignore their obligation to civility. Some of the highlights include statements such as “I could learn your job in 45 minutes” (spoken to the director), “You’re just an assistant” (said to the program coordinator), and my personal favorite, “Not an honest broker,” which was written in an angry letter to yours truly. Even though it isn’t taken personally, behavior like this needs to be addressed immediately, lest your silence give the offender the idea their behavior is acceptable. Therein lies the tricky part: What do you say to someone who is disrespectful, unreliable, vain or prone to outbursts?

While those statements aimed at LJAP are relatively benign, many lawyers have undoubtedly heard worse. Unfortunately, new court rules and professional conduct standards do a fat lot of good while another person is bellowing, bullying, or boasting. During these encounters with individuals, which I’ll call challenging (at least until 2030, when the arbiters of language deem it taboo), it’s obviously important to maintain composure. Whether client, colleague or supervisor, there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed. But when they inevitably are, here are some ideas that should inform how you react. The goals of this process are to manage your reactions effectively and discourage the behavior from occurring again.

1. Remember it’s (usually) not about you. There’s a rule in fiction that the best villains don’t view their actions as “bad.” Very rarely do real human beings see themselves as cartoon-esque evildoers in the style of Dick Dastardly or the Joker. Even more rarely do human beings endure the rigors of law school with the aspiration of someday committing ethical violations. Unfortunately, the back of this journal stands as proof that these incidents are happening. The reason, more often than not, is that the individual either believes their behavior is justified in the moment or is grappling with underlying issues that make it nearly impossible for them to behave any other way. In any case, with very few exceptions, the problem is them, not you.
2. Check in with yourself. One of the most important skills to develop in the pursuit of well-being is the ability to identify how you’re feeling while you’re feeling it. This is difficult to accomplish in relatively benign situations, let alone when you’re the target of uncivil behavior. At the very least, try to remember to reflect after the encounter — for example, you might ask yourself, How did I feel when that happened? What was it about their behavior that made me feel that way? Indulge your inner wordsmith and be as specific as possible — “mad” and “sad” are hardly precise.
3. De-escalate the situation. One important caveat: You don’t owe an uncivil person anything, especially if you begin to feel physically unsafe. If you do choose to try, keeping in mind you aren’t their real problem, a little empathy can go a long way. It’s astounding to watch the wind leave someone’s sails the moment they receive the validation for which they’re clearly starving. And because validation is so foreign to modern conversation, simple templates such as “You felt _____ because _____” and “You have every right to feel that way” can be used to great effect. Validation done correctly sends the message that you understand without condoning poor behavior.
4. Follow up. Not immediately, mind you — only once you’re confident both of you have returned to a baseline emotional level. As anyone who has ever spent more than five minutes with a child can attest, their ability to exercise reason and think logically is inversely proportional to their level of stimulation. If neither of you are on the precipice of an outburst, you’ll both be able to think more clearly, and the other party will be more receptive to your thoughts. Regardless of how long it takes to reach this point, you cannot eschew addressing uncivil behavior. Doing so would amount to turning your back on Yogi Bear while he inventories the contents of your picnic basket — you’re openly inviting it to happen again. Resist the urge to rescue the other person by excusing their behavior. Instead, call attention to the behavior, and clearly state your expectations for professional communication moving forward.

The preceding suggestions are broadly applicable and surprisingly useful across a variety of problematic personality types and insolent behavior patterns. Naturally, there are more specific ways to engage that can help discourage challenging conduct, but as 21st-century philosopher Alton Brown often quipped, “That’s another show.”² If that’s something that would pique your interest, or if you’d like a more customized consultation on how to handle your toxic coworker, feel free to contact me directly at 517-346-6306. You might also consider joining the State Bar of Michigan’s Virtual Support Group, facilitated by this writer, to share with other attorneys your own horror stories of incivility.